“You know, I just heard a sad story about a boy who was in a tragic accident. He was severely injured and after two weeks of being in the hospital he passed away. I can’t imagine what his parents are going through…At least you guys still have Finley.”

My mouth hung open. Shock filled my body as I pulled the phone away from my ear for a brief moment. Sad for this sweet family who had lost a son. Stunned that this was the response of a friend who had asked how I was doing with Finley’s diagnosis.

“That is so sad.” I quietly replied. I did not know where to go from here. It was early on in our special needs journey and I had not yet attained the vocabulary or the courage to say, ‘I know you mean well, and of course that is heartbreaking and tragic, but that response feels hurtful and dismissive.’ So instead I made an excuse and said…

“Hey, I have to go. I’ll talk to you soon. Bye.” 

I hung up. 

“We call friends like this, “unhelpful helpers” our counselor explained to Matt and I as we relayed several stories similar to this one.

We quietly laughed with the relief that comes with definition.  “That is a helpful term to know.” I smiled. 

She continued, “They are the ones who mean well but deliver in an unhelpful way. The heart is good, the delivery is poor. Unhelpful helpers are the ones who suggest praying for Finley with more faith, or suggest that you have not prayed with enough consistency to warrant a healing, they suggest that you have some hidden sin, or suggest essential oils, or a specific diet…they mean well, but it often is painful and ultimately communicates you need to do more. It is helpful to remember that we have all been the unhelpful helper before.”

Grace had stepped into the room, bringing clear perspective, understanding and comfort. We had been validated that these situations were hard and hurtful. We had been given vocabulary to articulate the pain we felt. Our vision was raised to see the pain we unintentionally cause as well. Validation. Vocabulary. Vision. Small victory. 

Our counselor left us with the homework of printing out a “feelings word list” for us to be able to grow in articulating how conversations and situations left us feeling. 

“How can you process a situation if you don’t have the vocabulary?” She had asked.  It was such a simple skill, but one we have been so grateful for. We referenced those lists weekly for about a year until we felt more comfortable. Then we would pull them out, and still do, when we feel stuck. We have one taped to the fridge, one in the boys room and one in Paisley’s room. Finley has feeling words on her talker that we reference. 

This simple assignment from our counselor a few years ago has shaped our family, taking situations that would turn difficult into sweet times of being present with one another. Don’t get me wrong, we still have difficult, crazy times, but we do have less of them. We are learning to say things like, “I need to vent and I just need you to listen.’ Aka I just need you to validate. The listener practices truly listening, saying things like, ‘tell me more about that,’ or ‘I’m so sorry. That would be hard.’ Or ‘tell me about other times you have felt that way.’  If one of us is struggling to articulate, we grab the feelings list. This usually unlocks meaningful conversations as vocabulary gives feelings a frame. When we remember to practice validation and vocabulary healing takes place. We recover more quickly from what was ailing our hearts and minds. We are able to connect with one another and with God. This is still very much a work in progress. I imagine we will be practicing this skill for the rest of our lives.

Left to myself, I would have thought the process of validation would sink me deeper into a pit of despair but it does the exact opposite. It allows me to know that I am not crazy and what I am feeling is normal. Validation silences the bully of self criticism. Validation and vocabulary cheer us onto a small victories, shifting our perspective from ourselves to the goodness of God, the creator of vocabulary, the one who validates our struggle throughout the Bible: 

“I am close to the broken-hearted and save the crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18) 

“Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.” (2 Corinthians 4:8)

“God is our refuge and our strength, an ever present help in trouble…” (Psalm 46:1)

Left to myself I would live like God expects perfection before I come to him. Like I have to get my ducks in a row before presenting myself, believing somehow I am strong enough to deal with my pain by myself. Struggle is truly God’s expectation. That is why he offers refuge, a strength, companionship, rescuing, understanding and fortitude. God knows how heart-breaking life can be. He offers the best validation and a soft place to lay our heads and rest. 

Holding onto these validations can slowly lead to small victories-not automatically, not magically, not overnight, but slowly, gradually small victories come. And small victories are no minor event, they are not to be dismissed or downplayed. They need to be celebrated.  A myriad of small victories over the course of time transforms the heart and mind and makes a smoother road for the generations who follow. 

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