“Jesus Wept.” 

The words seemed to jump off the page and slap me in the face. “Jesus wept.” I read them again and again, my mind and my heart making a connection that had been staring me in the face for nearly my entire life. I have known this verse for as long as I can remember. It is classic bible trivia, “What is the shortest verse in the bible?” Answer, “Jesus wept.” 

Bible Trivia turned into a lifeline that day. The Word became Flesh and walked into my life at the exact moment I needed saving. Lifelong beliefs that “emotions are for the weak” and “crying is for babies” came crumbling down in my heart. Jesus was not a baby when this story was written and Jesus was far from weak in the way we tend to think of weakness. I did not have the answers as to how emotions should look but the belief that crying and sadness were for wusses was obliterated and left me wondering what else had I misunderstood about emotions. Jesus, perfect Jesus, wept, he publicly wept at the grave sight of a dear friend. Jesus publicly expressed grief, deep sorrow, overpowering emotion not in the privacy of his own bedroom with the door closed and a pillow over his head to muffle the sound, hoping and praying that no one would hear him or secretly hoping someone would hear and come check on him despite all his efforts to cover up his sobs. No, Jesus wept publicly without shame or apology. I drank in those two simple words and awe washed over me. I was meeting Jesus again for the first time. Permission pivoted my emotional perspective, offering a way out for my pint up pain. 

My twenty one year old self knew this moment was life changing. She knew she would never be the same, but she had no idea that this was the groundwork for taking down a belief system she had built her life around. This moment would lay a foundation for a new way of living in her late twenties when life would turn upside down with church planting (which she expected) and again in her mid thirties (which she did not expect) when she became the mama to a beautiful, special needs daughter. 

Growing up, one of the sayings in our home was, “we do not make decisions based on our emotions.” This is solid advice. However, as a five, ten and fifteen year old I interpreted this wisdom as “emotions are bad and not to be trusted.” Not the intended message at all, but that is where I landed. My subconscious put together a belief system, or a way to live, that did not include tears… without me even knowing. By my definition, I was free to be happy, excited, thoughtful, kind, passionate, funny, compassionate, courageous, daring, and bold. By my definition I was not allowed to feel angry, frustrated, annoyed, sad, fear, self-pity, embarrassment and stress. I learned to stuff those emotions away where they would be safe…until my stuffed emotional box was bulging and overflowing. I would erupt in anger over minor or even perceived offenses. 

One day when I was about fifteen I opened my bedroom door to find my two younger brothers with goofy grins on their faces, at that moment I became soaking wet.  The boys burst out laughing and my box burst. I was an angry wreck, shouting at them and attempting to hit them ( I never was a good shot)as they dodged and ran out. I fumed for hours at my brothers and fumed at myself for getting so upset. Usually, this kind of prank would have made me laugh, but not that day. My “bad emotion” box had broken and my brothers were the brunt of the unboxing.

I lived this way for years. Embracing the fun-loving, easy-going, happy-go-lucky side of my personality, all the while ignoring the side that was hurting, broken and crammed inside a small, bulging box full of pain and heartache. When I felt rejected, “it was fine.” When I felt hurt, “it was fine.” When I felt angry, “it was FINE.” When I was stressed, my entire chin would eventually break out in cold sores. Yeah, it was lovely. I had no idea that I was living in such a way that no one had intended, not myself, not my parents, not friends and absolutely not God.    

“Jesus wept.” Two words exposed my self-made emotional prison. Two words that exposed how flawed my thinking and way of living was. Two words that made me take a step back and re-examine what I knew of Jesus, seeing him as perfect and holy yet human with all of the emotions that come with being human. He did not try to cover up his sadness, he did not put on a brave face and pretend like everything was fine. He publically wept. Jesus, in all of his perfection, gives us permission to feel, to cry, to express deep sadness. 

“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalms 56:8

Every single tear matters. 

“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

Even when we feel alone we are saved and safe. 

“Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

It is not wrong to feel overwhelmed or tired. It is normal. God expects us to feel overwhelmed and tired. He offers relief. There are no pre-qualifiers to this invitation. If you are any amount of weary. If you are any amount of burdened, which will be most of us on any given day, “Come.” 

God gives permission to grieve, to cry, to feel our affliction no matter how big or small. He is present for all of our pain. Each tear is important to him. He is a better Father than any human could ever dream up. He is gentle and patient and kind and forgiving. He fully understands all that we face and deeply sympathizes with all that we face. Jesus is so much greater of a gift than eternal salvation (although that is AWESOME!)Jesus offers salvation from our self made prisons of loneliness and isolation. He steps into our pit. He gets down in the dirt where we lay and lifts us into his safe arms of permission, whispering “I understand. I am here. You are not alone. I love you through it all.”

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