“Finley, I’m trying to sleep!” Matt teased our sweet seven year old. 

“Aaahhh!” She exclaimed, patting his arm with her hand. Matt began fake snoring, making Finley giggle as she attempted to “wake” him up. 

“Who is there!?” Matt exclaimed, popping his head up. Finley squealed with delight! The game was on! 

We were on the floor of her room. Bath towels were tossed around the room as Matt had just finished giving her a bath. We had diapered and dressed her and I was brushing that thick, beautiful hair. Finley made it clear, through pointing, she wanted to read one of her favorite books, “Hippos Go Berserk.” She wanted to show her daddy the best parts of the book but he was “sleeping” and she loved the game! 

“Finley, if you want to wake Daddy up, say “Daaa-deeee,” I encouraged. Finley giggled and attempted, “Aaaaah-aaa!” 

“What?! Who is calling me?” Matt popped his head up. Finley kept patting his arm as if saying, “it was me!” She laughed again, her daddy always gets her to laugh the most. 

“Ok” he relented, “show me your book.”

As we read, Finley would wait for me to finish a page and then she would gaze up at Matt with a giant grin on her face as if to say, “isn’t this the best!” He would look back at her and make a silky face or laugh to encourage her. My heart was full. 

Then it hit me. I was not sad! Usually moments with Finley are lined with sadness as I observe how much she wants to say and do but cannot. Bathtime can be especially triggering because it is physically difficult to get her in and out of the bathtub. Have you ever tried to pick up a wet, slippery, 40lb, sack of potatoes, out of water? It is difficult to say the least and Matt and I are both strong. It was the first time that I can remember in her seven years of just enjoying her and not wishing her body was not limited. I was miraculously able to enjoy the moment. Happy tears sprang into my eyes as the realization hit me. 

“Thank you, Jesus.” I whispered under my breath. It was a breath of fresh air. It was a moment where I could see a good future, despite circumstances, despite disability, despite aching for our daughter to be free to run and dance and sing and laugh in the way her mind craves to do. 

In moments of sadness over the combination of Finley’s active mind, and inactive body I am learning to remind myself that heaven with Finley will be endless years of experiencing the fullness of Jesus together and experiencing Finley in her fullness as well. When I first attempted to practice this, my knee jerk reaction was anger. I wanted to know my daughter in her fullness now. As the years have gone on, I have continued to remind myself, or others have reminded me of this truth. Where I used to respond in anger and self-pity eventually gave way to simply saying the words or hearing the words without an emotional response, a seemingly mundane anthem as an attempt to rewire my brain. And now? Now, I see how these words are taking root, giving life, producing peace despite circumstances, guarding my heart and my mind. 

I know we all have days where tears and anger and anxiety and grief seem to be right beneath the surface and if any poor soul crosses us they will be the unfortunate and innocent recipient of an onslaught of emotion that was not meant for them. I lived in that space for years. Sweet friend, I sit in front of my computer today, writing these words just for you. Wherever you are in your journey, let my story give you hope that none of us are too far gone for the grace of Jesus to reach down into whatever pit you find yourself in today and just sit with you, just wrap his arms around you and remind you have his goodness and his grace and that he is with you and for you. He has not forgotten you, even when you feel forgotten-he is there. He is with you now as you read these words. The tears I cry over the keyboard are tears of thanksgiving that the truth of God has taken root in my heart, after years of intentionality. (insert eye-roll here…because that is what I would have done if I was reading this a few years ago.)

Let me be clear-it did not always feel intentional. There were countless times I would write out scripture or say scripture without a shred of feeling or with feelings of feeling rejected and forgotten by God, but that sweet friend is how good he is. 

Despite our emotions, he is good and faithful. His truth is alive and brings life, despite how we feel. And now I am beginning to see the shift in my heart. I know you will too. For years, I thought it was in vain, but I kept going, honestly I did not know what else to do. I was white knuckling onto verses that I wanted to ignore. Wherever you are today, keep lifting your gaze to Jesus. Even if you have no strength other than to play worship music, or all you can do is lay in your bed and cry and whisper the name of Jesus, that is enough. There is power in the name of Jesus. Sometimes all we can do is to stay right where we are, and that is actually victory for that day. That, sweet friend, is perseverance, which comes from suffering and “produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Romans 5:4-5. He is good. He is faithful. He is with you today. May you know the grace and peace of Jesus today.  

• anxiety
• endurance
• finley
• fullfillment
• grace
• Grief
• happy
• jesus
• jesus cares
• joy
• miracles
• purpose
• Special needs
• suffering