“Heather, You are often on my heart. I woke up this morning with a story of you on my heart. It is going to sound strange and maybe crazy but I feel prompted to share it with you. You can tell me what you think and then add to it.”

All six of us were on our way to the boys baseball game as I pressed my phone into my ear to hear the message over the squabbling in the back of the van. 

The message continued, “I saw you in a deep dark cave. This cave was so dark that you could not even see your hand in front of your face. You had been told there was a monster in this cave. You had built a fire and you were holding a torch to wave at the monster of it got to close-basically you had done what you knew how to keep the monster at bay. But you could still feel the presence of the monster. You could hear it and feel it’s breath. No matter how much you waved your torch the monster would not go away…so that’s it. Let me know what you think…”

I was silently weeping, attempting to not scare our kids. Matt put his hand on my arm. It wasn’t a crazy story. I knew exactly what it meant. 

Later that day I responded…

“ I am both the monster and the person in the cave.” Understanding, relief and shame flooded my heart with a weighty depth that I could not get my mind around.  “I am the one in the cave giving all that I have to get rid of the monster. But I am the monster. My anger and rage and grief and fear are a monster inside of my heart. I have felt like I have been white knuckling onto the truth for years, attempting to fight all that I feel toward cerebral palsy. For years I have dealt with the same lies and the fact that I am still dealing with them after years of relentlessly choosing to believe the truth and asking for prayer and turning to God, it has only become worse.” I was crying through my response, barely getting out the words. “I am the monster. Sometimes I am terrified of what I might do. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I desperately want to change and I’m doing all “the things” that people have recommended to grow. I’ve been doing “the things”  for years and the anger and rage in my heart has only increased!” 

Desperation and fear mingled in my words. I felt grateful for this sweet companion who has been walking through this with me, accepting me where I was and never asking for more. 

“So there you go,”  I relented. “Your story was not crazy, it was spot on. Let me know what you think. Love you.” 

A few days passed and I got a message back. Nervously I pushed play, uncertain what I might hear.

“Well that is not what I thought you were going to say but that totally makes sense.” She said kindly. “I thought you were going to say the monster was the future.” (Also totally applicable, I told her later.) “ but what you shared makes so much sense to me.

I let out my breath as she said these words.

“I know you shared that you are ashamed of the monster. But what if…(she paused)…what if the monster is exactly what God wants to use to do this work in your heart?”

My mouth fell open and I was crying again. She continued…

“There is so much energy in anger. What if God wants to use that energy to accomplish an incredible work in your heart?” Her words were sinking in and shining a beautiful bright light in my dark, dank cave. My friend was not condemning me for the monster in my heart and neither did God. Nothing had changed yet everything had changed. The truth had set me free.