“What are Sunday’s like for you, Heather?” I blinked rapidly at the question. My mind filled with emotion and a desire to be honest. I knew he and his wife understood the pressure of church leadership, they were familiar with the endless amount of energy it takes to care for someone with severe special needs, they understood the cultural expectations on pastor’s wives (that cannot be found in the Bible.) Expectations that I put on myself and I felt from others and would never be able to meet. I would often remind myself that God did not call me to meet cultural expectations, he called me to follow him. Even if I wanted to, it was impossible. Despite my almost daily conversations with myself, these guilt-filled expectations haunted my thoughts. 

Knowing I was safe, I took a deep breath and answered honestly. 

“It takes every ounce of my strength and determination to enter the church building and just simply stand there during worship. It is a decision I have to make every single Sunday.” My voice quivered, emotion threatening to spill. “My goal is to get in and out as quickly as possible.”

Anxiety, shame and guilt were relentless on a Sunday morning. Each one was the same. I would wake with a weight on my chest, plagued by unintentional hurtful words spoken over Matt, myself and Finley coupled with my own guilt ridden thoughts. I would pray. I would listen to worship music. I would read my Bible. Nothing helped. The feelings intensified the closer the time came to leaving for church. I just did not have the energy to hide or display my pain and grief in in a crowd. It was suffocating and exhausting. 

Most Sunday mornings I had been awake since 3am with Finley. She usually fell back asleep around 6am. I would wake her by 7:30 to get ready for church. The process of getting her ready to go is a long one. Like most of us she is not a happy camper when woken from a deep sleep. By the time I got her ready to go I was physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted. 

I would focus on breathing. I would ask Matt to pray. I would go extremely quiet. Anything to calm the monster in my heart that wanted to run away from it all. 

Growing up, Sunday’s were my favorite day. I loved going to church, loved being with friends. My parents would ground me from youth group when I got in trouble because I loved it so much. What happened to that girl?

After dropping the kids off for Sunday School I would go find parking. I would sit in our van as long as possible, slipping into service about 10 min after it started so I would only interact with a few people.

I felt lost and alone in a crowd of people. I wanted to hide and be seen at the same time. I had no strength for polite conversation or pretend smiles. Sunday was a decision. Every. Single. One.

“My wife went through a similar time, Heather.” Our friend shared. “We asked for prayer from one of our leaders. He prayed and then encouraged my wife with Ephesians 6 where it talks about putting on the armor of God. It just says to stand.” 

“What?!” My mouth fell open. The heavy weight of expectation suddenly felt a little lighter. 

“I encourage you to take some time to read through it again. Heather, you are doing exactly what God has told you to do.”

My heart was relieved without my circumstances changing. The familiar became brand new, breathing life into death and decay. 

I look back on that pivotal day, not as a day that I would never struggle again (I struggle every single day) but as a day I know God drove a stake in the ground of my heart. A day that I can look to, a day that I can draw strength from when I feel expectation seeping into my heart that is not of God. I have to remind myself that my purpose is to love and serve God, not to serve the expectations I or others may have of me. 

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to STAND against the schemes of the devil. …Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withSTAND in the evil day, and having done all, to STAND firm. STAND therefore…” Eph 6:10-14 (caps mine)