Love

“If it weren’t for Finley’s Cerebral Palsy we would’ve have our house, our elevator, our dog or our parking spot.” Our 11 year old was listing out gratitudes when life is hard.  Lemonade from lemons. 

I smiled, “that’s right bud.” I automatically responded while my insides played tug of war between gratitude and heartbreak. I would trade a tiny condo for our beautiful home, turn in our disabled parking spot for lifelong street parking, and donate the elevator in a heart beat if disability could be irradiated from our lives. I would not even have to think about it. Done. Trade. Where do I sign?

A dear mentor once sympathized that disability was like an enemy sitting on the sofa with a gun. An uninvited, unwanted guest who had moved in and we couldn’t get them to leave. Not only that, but we had to constantly fight FOR this enemy. Fighting insurance. Fighting the school system. Fighting our budget to cover expensive therapies and devices. Fighting to have a relationship with our kids and one another. Fighting to sleep. Fighting for friendship…

She voiced what my heart longed to express. Her insight gave me life. Her wisdom and compassion gave permission and created a space for healing. 

I can be frozen by fear to say out loud the dark parts of my heart. I can be shutdown, lockdown, push down, knockdown and dragged down by shame, and insecurity. Yet I crave to grow in authenticity and vulnerability. I have been deeply served and loved by Jesus and others who choose authenticity and vulnerability over shame. I am finding that on the other side of fear is freedom. 

This conversation with my mentor recently keeps creeping back into my memory coupled the verse from Luke 27 which says, “love your enemies…” I am uncertain of what this means, but I cannot get away from it. 

What I do know is that we did not choose disability. However, outside of a miracle, disability is in every hour of our day, threatening to drain us of life. We are more aware than ever before of our deep need of God and the church. We are continually humbled by God’s generosity towards us. We are aware of how broken and lost we are without Jesus. We are examples that life can change forever in a moment and we cannot take anything for granted. We understand what it is to be “pressed on every side, but not crushed.” We are learning that despite daily struggle, there is power in thanksgiving and joy in the presence of Jesus…so for that I can learn to love my enemy.