“Matt, I need to tell you something.”

“Ok”

I took a deep breath before I continued. My tears fell unbridled. 

“I have begun to have thoughts about taking my life. And thoughts about how to take Finley with me.” 

Grief, concern, sympathy and care all sat on Matt’s face. We sat on our $10 brown loveseat surrounded by heavy emotional air. 

“When did you start having these thoughts?”

“Two days ago.”

“Thank you for telling me. Come here.” He pulled me close and I cried. 

This was not my first rodeo with suicidal thoughts. I was terrified to say those words out loud but I felt more afraid to keep them hidden. One thing I have learned is hiding dark thoughts is like watering weeds. They grow. 

The next day I knew it was time to expose the darkness again. Opposing arguments filled my head as I picked up my phone. I texted a few close friends asking for prayer and sharing honestly where I was at. I was met with grace, concern and prayers. 

I kept talking to Matt and a few friends. I kept exposing the darkness. The more I shared the less power those dark thoughts had. 

I was met with kindness. No antidotal bible verses, no prescribed worship songs, just understanding prayers and space to be broken. 

Talking to Jesus during this time increased. Well, it was more like venting…I knew I was safe with him. I knew he was strong enough for the full measure of my broken heart. He was teaching me to pour out all of the darkness to him. He held me in his heart when he bore my suicidal shame on the cross all those years ago. 

Sprawled out on my bed, pillow soaked in tears, pouring my grief out to God I felt hollow and empty yet accepted and ok with not being ok… Progress. 

“He is close to the broken-hearted and saves those crushed in Spirit.” Psalm 34:18

“My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.” Psalm 51:17

“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” Matthew 5:3 

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

“I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of a contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly, and to revive the heart of the contrite.” Isaiah 57:15