Haunted

“How do you have four kids, one with severe special needs and not live close to family? My parents live 3 doors down and I don’t know how I would do special needs parenting with out them.”

My defenses were up. Another person was asking the question I had been asked over and over and over again. I swallowed my pain, and laughed. “ I take it one moment at a time. The phrase my husband and I have adopted is ‘bit by bit’…thinking about an entire day is too much. I pray a lot and I drink lots of coffee and maybe a little too much wine.” I winked at her. “Even though we do not live close to family they are super. We feel very supported by them. They adore Finley and she adores them.” 

“That’s good.” She responded. “I just don’t know how you do it. You must be super-woman.” 

A punch to the gut. I knew she was intending to compliment but “super-woman” was a term I had heard countless times, haunting and isolating me. I’ve wondered at times if that’s why I open up…trying to prove I’m not super woman, just a woman. 

All of us feel haunted and isolated at times. Or maybe all the time. All of us feel like the only one. We can believe that the one smiling is doing just fine. A dear friend of mine says “I look like I’m waving but I’m actually drowning!” What would happen if we honestly share with the ones closest to us how we truly are. What would happen if we honestly shared with God how we truly are doing. Maybe you don’t know, and that’s ok too. For years and years whenever someone would ask, “How are you doing? Or “how does that make you feel?” My responses were automatically “Good!” Or “I’m not sure.” Over the last 15 years God has gently given me words to what is in my heart. It has been so difficult. It gets worse before it gets better. But I can assure you, there is healing on the other side of the valley. 

Taking a breath, I smiled again at this sweet, mama sitting next to me. I knew she was hurting as much as I was. “I’m no different to you. So if I’m super-woman, so are you. We are all just doing the best with what we have been given.” 

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me…”             -Psalms 23:4a