Undone

Blinking. Blinking. All I see is the blue 70s tile lining the bathroom walls in our apartment. I am laying on the floor. “Breathe.” I instruct myself. “Just breathe.”

It had happened again. Panic attacks were becoming like an unwanted house guest that have you questioning and scrutinizing every aspect of your life. Ask 18 year old Heather if she would ever have a panic attack. She probably would have laughed and asked “what is a panic attack?” Once defined, she would grow serious but would say, “I am not an anxious person, I don’t think I would ever have a panic attack.” I scoff at myself thinking about 18 year old me who lived to dance and road trip and do whatever Jesus wanted her to do.

Matt brings me some water and sits with me, praying words of strength and courage over my heart. He prays healing over sweet Finley growing in my womb. He prays for wisdom and direction. 

I become overwhelmed with gratitude for this man. So grateful that God had begun to reveal our deep disfunction as a couple 3 years prior to potentially having a special needs child. We are still a mess but we are aware. Blindness is half the battle. 

We recently had a conversation about being excited to help other couples walk through painful times. I scoffed again. Little did I know God was shoring up a foundation for a greater weight. 

The world says you can do anything…as I lay on the floor, focusing on my breath, practicing gratitude so that I can simply stand…I would humbly disagree.