“A year and a half ago I was contemplating how to take my life and my child’s life.” 

Stage lights streamed down blanketing the crowd in a misty grey. I heard my voice but felt as if I was watching myself. A train wreck daring to lay it all out for gracious listeners who had gathered for a couple of days to be rejuvenated by worship and teaching. 

Earlier that day I had thanked our leader for consistently and relentlessly praying for our family, for Finley’s healing and for our church. I briefly explained how I was doing and what God was doing in my heart. After I shared with him he asked me to share my story in front of everyone. 

“Sure, I would be happy to…” escaped my mouth before I realized what I had said.

Now as the stage lights shone in my eyes, I felt grateful I could only make out the first couple of rows. Silently, I prayed that God would lead me and give me the right words to be open, broken, grateful and God-honoring. 

“It became clear that after years of being the primary caregiver to our daughter with severe special needs I was burnt out. Years of daily therapy with little to no results had taken its toll on me. In short, we shared with you all how we were doing and this family rallied to our side. Funds were raised to pay for a caregiver a few hours a week to give me consistent breaks. We are beyond grateful for your prayers, for your giving, and for your encouragement. We would have not made it through without you.”

Taking a deep breath and gathering my thoughts, I continued…

“I am happy to tell you that I am in a much better place today. It has been a rough road and the road is far from over, but God in his goodness, is seeing us through and creating something new…”

“A few months ago we heard a teaching on the beattitudes. The speaker taught on ‘blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.’ He explained that comforted in the original language means ‘fortified by the Holy Spirit.’ Instantly some thing came alive in my heart. I turned to Matt and said ‘this changes everything!’ I cannot tell you how many times I have grieved, and mourned over the brokenness of our situation, begging God to bring healing, feeling lost and way out of my depth. If mourning  is for our fortification then that makes everything we are walking through worth it. That was the first moment in five years that I felt purpose for the first time. I felt like the little girl that everyone said was dead and Jesus declared she was only sleeping. He kindly commanded her to “wake up.””

The last 6 months have been about waking up. Waking up to God’s goodness despite pain and suffering. Waking up to God’s grace in the face of hardship and discomfort. Waking up to the fact that my expectations of myself are unrealistic and the words I speak over myself everyday are not of God. Waking up to how easily I forget the truth. There is a reason there are so many “remember” or “do not forget” verses in the Bible. We forget! I forget! I forget his goodness and grace and kindness, falling back into guilt and shame like it is a comfort blanket…

I have a long way to go and I know our journey as a special needs family is only just beginning but I am fully convinced that God has way more strength than we give him credit for. It is easy to convince myself I can present what I consider my “best self”to him. He desires all of my heart-the sad and lonely, the happy and grateful, the angry and the shameful, the content and the excited, the grieving and broken, all of my tears and all of my laughter. 

I want to encourage you, whatever trial you’re facing, Jesus is strong enough to take it. He invites us over and over again in the scriptures to lament, to lay our burdens down, to come all who are weary, yet if you are like me, deep inside our hearts there is a broken mantra of needing to “do more” and “Be more” before we come to God. God is strong enough. If all you can do is lay at his feet, he welcomes you. We require so much more of ourselves that God has freed us from. ”It was for freedom he has set is free.” I wish the process was cut and dry. But it is far from it. The process is messy and painful but so so good. David, the man after God’s own heart, gives us permission and sets an example

over and over again in the Psalms to be authentic and real and messy but also consistently and relentlessly positioning our hearts with the truth of God. We can be a mess and position ourselves in Christ. It’s not one or the other, it is both.

“So I stand before you both grieved and full of joy. I stand before you today broken and content.”