Small Celebrations
“What small things can you celebrate today?”
I looked at my phone as the text came through from the coaching group I was participating in. The text had caught me on one of those days that started out great-complete with a workout, time with God and a cup of decaf coffee before our kids woke up. I had a full night’s sleep and had slightly more energy than usual. The sky was gray but my spirits were up. Around noon, bad news started rolling in. One text around noon, two phone calls around 5pm and an email at 7:30, all laden with news that makes the heart heavy. Pressure was building on my chest, my shoulders were tight, I focused on my breath, attempting to get oxygen to my brain, reassuring myself that I was ok, I was safe.
Matt and I needed to talk through the email we had received. It was not an email intended to be bad news. We had reached out to the contractor who had helped us renovate our fixer upper, our miracle home. The house we should never have owned but through a sheer miracle and the provision of God, we owned a house in Chicago. We had asked for a quote on turning our basement into an accessible bedroom, bathroom, family room, complete with an elevator that could serve our current needs with Finley, our daughter with Cerebral Palsy, as it was getting dangerous to carry her up and down our stairs but would also serve as a long term living solution for her, as she will need care for the rest of her life.
“Our quote came back from John.” Matt said.
“Is it good news or bad news?” I asked nervously.
“It’s news.” Matt responded.
That meant it was bad news.
Dangit.
My heart sank.
“How much?” I asked. Matt started listing off line items and how much they would cost.
“How big is the big number?” I pushed.
Matt said the number and I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. Emotions were rising. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Instantly, thoughts of how impossible this special needs life was bombarded my brain.
Nothing is easy.
We thought we were prepared, but we are never prepared.
Just another mountain we have to climb.
Haven’t we had enough?
Why does life feel like we are stuck in a Macgyver show?
I am tired of having battle after battle to fight, to fix, to figure out how we can make it work. Wouldn’t life be easier somewhere else where there are good state programs to help with all these costs?
Stupid Chicago.
Stupid Illionois.
Yeah, I was reeling. Grasping at anything that may stabilize my toxic thoughts. Spiraling down, down, down, down.
Completely unaware of the storm that was brewing inside of me, Matt began brainstorming ways we could make it work. His “fix-it” strength was shining but at that moment it was too bright for me.
“I don’t think I can talk about this right now. I know we need to, but I am not ready.”
“OK.” Matt said.
“This feels like a big blow. I thought we were prepared. The loan we were able to get is huge, and this is SO HUGE.” I stopped and took a breath. My insides felt out of control. Panic was taking over. The downward pull was strong.
“I feel like my tears are in my neck.”
“Come here.” He beckoned me to his side. “Just let it out.”
I didn’t think the tears would come. I was sad-mad and sometimes I can be too angry to cry. But the tears came, spilling down my cheeks and soaking my neck. I cried quietly, sobs wracking my ribs, not wanting the kids to hear me. The tears eventually slowed and I took some deep breaths. I was thankful for the emotional release. I knew the tears were more than just that moment. All of us have had such a hard previous two years. I recently heard a podcaster talk about how in 2020 we were in crisis mode and 2021/22 has been chronic mode. This news would have been hard if we had received it in 2019. But in early 2022 it felt devastating.
“We will figure this out. God will provide, He always does.” Matt encouraged. “Let’s pray.”
Matt prayed to the One who has always taken care of us, to the One who called us to what we are doing and to the One who gave us sweet, sweet Finley. This day did not take Him by surprise. He was not shocked by the news we had received over the course of the day or the much larger quote we received. His world was not rocked, he did not have an emotional spasm like I was having. He was still on his throne.
As Matt prayed, my heart was reminded of the goodness and grace of God that he has lavishly poured out on us and all the ways he has provided for us time and time again. We live in an expensive city and church leadership is not the path you take if you want to make the big bucks. Add a special needs child who has seven appointments a week just on a normal week and any budget gets tight. Add a wheelchair, a walker (not the usual kind, the kind that holds your entire body so that your legs can move) a stander (to help her stand) a talker, leg braces, foot braces and straps, hand braces, hip straps, a special diet that cannot be found at the local Aldi (best grocery store ever and a huge way God has multiplied our dollars) and the lifetime cost of diapers…no matter how you slice it, we have taken on an impossible task.
Impossible by human standards. But God has provided over and over and over again. When the numbers have not made sense, when it seemed that he was multiplying dollars that weren’t even there, through the extravagant generosity of others, through the most surprising of ways. The one who clothes the flowers of the fields in glory and splendor (Luke 12:27), the One who takes care of the birds (Matt 6:26), the One who says, “do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will hold on to you with my righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10)
Before Matt and I moved to Chicago to start a brand new church with our two babies, Jones was 15months old and Macrae was 2 month old (yes, you read those ages currently…we call that accidentally on purpose.) We had a group of friends pray for us. As they prayed one friend, who had started several church himself over the course of his life, who had lived through the ups and downs of church leadership and knew what we were about to encounter said to me,
“Heather, I believe God wants to say to you the words from Joshua. “Be strong and courageous, for I am with you.” The tears fell down my cheeks instantly. I was so afraid. I knew that this is what we were made for but I was afraid. “Be strong and courageous, because I am with you.” This does not mean you will not be afraid. It actually means you will be afraid because you cannot be strong and courageous in the absence of fear. God will be with you.”
In times where all I want to do is run and hide, and those feelings and emotions can last for days, weeks, months and sometimes even years…these words find me, comfort me, remind me that God sees me. He sees you. He sees us in our hardship, in our brokenness, in our downward spiral, and He steps down into the spiral with us. He is strong enough to take the spiral. He comforts us, reminds us that the world is in His hands, it might be a mess in His hands but he still has it, he is still working and moving. The numbers may not add up-that has never stopped him before, the barrel may look low, that does not hinder God, the wine may be out, he has better wine anyway, there may not be enough food, God multiplies the bread. Where we see lack, He sees opportunity. I write this as a reminder to myself to continue to go back to the One who sees it all, knows it all. The One that I love and serve and trust. Life may have other plans but I will continually come back to the One who holds life, who is not swayed by it like I am, who has all the strength and all the compassion to see me and Finley and Matt and Jones and Macrae and Paisley through.
“Well, it’s a good thing our feelings change.” I said, attempting to lighten my mood, reassuring myself that even though I felt awful, it did not mean I would feel awful forever, in fact tomorrow would most likely be a better day.
So, back to the original question…”what small things do you have to celebrate today?”
Air in my lungs. A roof over my head. Food on our table. Our beautiful children. My faithful husband. The laughter and love and craziness and chaos that fills our home in its imperfect way-forging a family. A story that points to God who has provided and will provide. The reminder that He is not shaken by what shakes me. The truth that I can hold onto the fact that he knows and understands everything that surprises me, but he is not surprised. I could celebrate the truth that I am known and seen by the living God. I could celebrate that He was holding me, was holding us, in that moment, nothing was broken, although it felt broken. This was just a part of the story. I could celebrate that one day, this would be a story that I could tell my grandchildren of how God provided. It may not be in the way that we think, it may not be in how we hoped, it will be better. When I look at Him, there are a million small and large things to celebrate.
Chrisann
Sweet friend – you guys have shown us all what strong and courageous looks like. We love you. We want to help ♥️