“For Mama: READ THIS NOW! Psalms 46:1-5 From Paisley.”

I smiled as I saw our ten year olds handwriting scrawled on a notecard, in big bold letters. The note was waiting for me outside our bedroom door. It was five am and she was sound asleep. ‘Sweet Paisley. She must have put this here last night, after we all went to bed.’ I thought to myself. Tucking the card inside of my sweatshirt pocket, I slowly descended the stairs, blinking my eyes open and willing myself to wake up, my heart warmed by Paisley’s intentionality. 

Slowly shuffling my socked feet toward the coffee pot, I began to wonder what those verses said. I deeply appreciate the raw, artistic, unapologetic, human emotion that is so prominent throughout the book of Psalms, along with the sheer dependency and magnification on God and how good, righteous and holy He is. Psalms has always inspired and encouraged me to be as real as I know how with God, to work at growing in healthy vulnerability and being open and honest about my life… (by nature I am an emotional stuffer. This is hard work…) and to continually come back to the fact that God is good even though life may be hard. I poured myself a cup of decaf and made my way to my favorite chair and grabbed my bible, curiosity peeking. 

Psalm 46:1-5:

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.

Tears sprang into my eyes. These were words that had brought me comfort before, but had not been set to memory. A deep sense of being seen flooded my heart and mind. I felt humbled and blessed that our spunky, vibrant ten year old had somehow heard from God, “write these verses out on a card for your mama.” She does not consistently read her Bible, she is ten. She will pick it up every now and again before bed, and is almost always drawn to the Psalms. She had no idea the depth of emotional pain and burnout level exhaustion I had been facing over the last few months. 

Jones, Macrae and Paisley could tell I had been extra tired and my emotions were lower than normal over the last several months.  They had been asking if I was ok and what they could do to help. I had shared with them that I was feeling sad over the pandemic and the long lasting effects it was having on life, I shared that I was sad about cerebral palsy and felt more tired from us being unable to find a caregiver, more had been on my plate than it had in a while. We talked about how it was ok for us to feel sad and how each of us have days, months and sometimes years where sadness  hits us harder than other times in our lives. But Paisley did not know the depth of which I was hurting and how the tiredness felt as if it was seeping into my bones. Her sweet note and the force in which she wrote-all caps on “read these verses now!” got my attention and meant so much. It was a good reminder that we have no idea of how powerfully God can use our words and actions in the lives of those around us. If we take the time to listen, a simple act of love can change someone’s day, month, maybe even their life. I know I can be quick to dismiss thoughts I may have about reaching out and encouraging someone, putting it down to my imagination. I was so grateful Paisley did not assume that her desire to write those verses down for me was silly or something she just imagined might help me. She took action and I was blessed even before I read the verses. Just the simple act of writing words on a card lets someone know you see them and is a reminder that God sees them too. I did not expect to wake up that morning to find hope from my ten year old, yet-there it was, in all of its raw, unabashed beauty. 

I reread the words of Psalm 46 several times. They strengthened my heart in a way that they had not done so in the past. I needed to be reminded that God is my shelter, my dwelling place, my refuge, my safety, not people or places or practices-even though there can be so much goodness in what is around us, they are not the source of goodness-God is. I needed to be reminded that even though my world felt like it was unmanageable and unsustainable,like trying to keep my head above water while all around me the ocean of life roared and foamed and swallowed entire mountains, I did not have to fear because of who my dwelling place was. I needed to be reminded that God offers his river of life to me in the midst of the chaotic ocean that threatens to take me under. God is within the river, God is within me. I needed to be reminded that because of God, I won’t fall. I needed to be reminded that he is with me. I needed to be reminded that each and every new morning, God is there to help me. All things that I “knew” in my head were gently sinking into my heart. 

I did not have some amazing spiritual energy boost, or start believing and feeling that I could do anything that came my way. In fact, I was reminded of my humanity. I cannot do it all and I would not expect anyone else to try and do it all either. No, I simply was reassured and reminded that God was with me. It was one of those moments when nothing changes but everything changes, if only for that moment, which was a much needed oasis in a time of seemingly impossible circumstances. 

I was reminded of a few days prior, when a sweet friend had messaged me, writing, “…You don’t suffer alone, we suffer with you and for you. I love you and sometimes I feel physical pain in my body when I pray for you, so I pray harder. You are not alone.” I had to reread the message a few times. Each time, the words of encouragement sinking deeper into my heart. It is so easy to believe that we are alone, that no one gets it or understands our situation, but they do. Even if our lives are not the same, there is such common ground in suffering and pain and grief. I was so blessed by her words. I tearfully read them out to Matt and we both cried over them. Such a simple encouragement, such profound effect. 

As I sat there, bible on my lap, decaf coffee in my hand, I closed my eyes. I had to take note. There are times when I wonder if God is even aware of my situation and how impossible it seems to be, or wonder if he is aware of others’ situations and how painful and impossible their situations are. As I sat there, with my eyes closed, with the legitimacy of the pain and the facts of life threatening to crowd in, I clung onto the words of the Psalms 46, pushing away the impossibilities and daring to look into the face of Jesus, the one who has suffered more than I could ever dream of, the one who takes on my pain and heavy burden and makes it light. As I thought about what Paisley did and the kind words of my friend, I felt the gentle words of God reminding me that he sees me, he knows me, he is with me. 

Sometimes it can be so easy to go throughout life just trying to make it through. I know I can spend many days like this. Surviving. Now, I don’t want to knock surviving. In the words of Trisha Taylor, “surviving is a worthy cause.” Sometimes, life calls for surviving and it can be an act of strength and trust in God that we are still standing. But, when we are in survival mode, it can be easy to miss the gifts of grace that God offers. For me, when I am in survival mode, I have my head down and I am going forward, attempting to put one foot in front of the other. That is my focus. I need to be reminded to look up, look around, take it in. Yes, life seems impossible but there are still good things-blue skies, sunshine, a good song, a moment with someone you love, trees, sunsets, simple gifts are all around us. Those gifts sometimes get hard to see when your nose is to the grindstone day after day after day. I needed the reminder that God sees me and he has good gifts in the middle of the hard. I am not alone. You are not alone. God has good gifts for us today, if only we look up to see them. 

God is within her she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.

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