“Every time you feel guilty I want you to tell me. It doesn’t matter how many times a day that is. You must expose the lies of guilt every single time.”  

As Matt said the words there was an automatic, knee-jerk reaction of guilt. I almost laughed.

“Well, I’m feeling guilty right now.”

“Why?!”

“Because I don’t want to be a burden.”

“Heather, you are never a burden. This is so important. I want to help you walk in freedom. Exposing the guilt to God and others helps loose the power of guilt in our hearts. I want you to tell me, every single time.”

Guilt  was apparently a close companion of mine. I had somewhat realized this prior to Finley but about the time she was two my relationship with guilt became blatantly obvious. I was blaming myself for her lack of progress. Wearing shame like it was an item of clothing. Words that I would never say over someone else I spoke over my own life. I was so angry. Angry that all the work I had put in added up to barely anything. She was still functioning like a 3-6 month old. And in some ways still is. The accusing voice of guilt constantly told me I could never do enough. 

The reality is that brain injuries are unpredictable in how they recover. Ten kids could have the same cerebral palsy diagnosis (Finley’s is “quadriplegia spastic cerebral palsy”) all of those kids could have the same level of care and all end up with varying abilities. 

Despite the facts, I tied my worth to Finley’s “success.” It didn’t matter how much I helped, how much therapy we did, how much I adjusted her diet, how many specialists we went to see…in my eyes, I was failing every single day and guilt was there making sure I remembered it. 

I knew I couldn’t live like this. I spoke with a wise counselor. She advised me to pay attention to my knee-jerk reactions. She explained that guilt is a motivator to avoid pain or insecurity. 

“Our knee jerk reactions often point to pain in our hearts. Ask God to show you where the pain is and what the reaction is trying to protect.  Dwell wit hHim in this space.”

I made the commitment to partnering with Jesus to go back in order to go forward. I wanted to be free of these familiar, mocking voices. 

“Every time you feel guilty I want you to tell me. It doesn’t matter how many times a day that is. You must expose the lies of guilt every single time.”  

As Matt said the words there was an automatic, knee-jerk reaction of guilt. I almost laughed.

“Well, I’m feeling guilty right now.”

“Why?!”

“Because I don’t want to be a burden.”

“Heather, you are never a burden. This is so important. I want to help you walk in freedom. Exposing the guilt to God and others helps loose the power of guilt in our hearts. I want you to tell me, every single time.”

Guilt  was apparently a close companion of mine. I had somewhat realized this prior to Finley but about the time she was two my relationship with guilt became blatantly obvious. I was blaming myself for her lack of progress. Wearing shame like it was an item of clothing. Words that I would never say over someone else I spoke over my own life. I was so angry. Angry that all the work I had put in added up to barely anything. She was still functioning like a 3-6 month old. And in some ways still is. The accusing voice of guilt constantly told me I could never do enough. 

The reality is that brain injuries are unpredictable in how they recover. Ten kids could have the same cerebral palsy diagnosis (Finley’s is “quadriplegia spastic cerebral palsy”) all of those kids could have the same level of care and all end up with varying abilities. 

Despite the facts, I tied my worth to Finley’s “success.” It didn’t matter how much I helped, how much therapy we did, how much I adjusted her diet, how many specialists we went to see…in my eyes, I was failing every single day and guilt was there making sure I remembered it. 

I knew I couldn’t live like this. I spoke with a wise counselor. She advised me to pay attention to my knee-jerk reactions. She explained that guilt is a motivator to avoid pain or insecurity. 

“Our knee jerk reactions often point to pain in our hearts. Ask God to show you where the pain is and what the reaction is trying to protect.  Dwell wit hHim in this space.”

I made the commitment to partnering with Jesus to go back in order to go forward. I wanted to be free of these familiar, mocking voices. I knew it would get harder before it got easier. Growing new muscles is intense work.   

Matt knew all of this. Despite my commitment to growing, the offer of a daily practice seemed daunting. I took a deep breath and made a choice. 

“Ok.” I conceded. 

“I am with you all the way,” he affirmed.

Epilogue: I did this everyday for about 6 months. Matt would speak truth to me and we would pray after I shared. It took a while for me to recognize when I was feeling guilty. But as I practiced my awareness grew. Today, I am far from “guilt free” but I am highly aware of how it is affecting me and sometimes even feel on the outside of that guilt rather than trapped in its grip.  

During Covid, Finley has been home full time with the exception of going to therapy. She has not been home this much since she was three years old. (She is six) She has regressed in a few ways that were majorly supported by school. Needless to say, I am battling the most intense form of guilt I have faced yet. Facing those same lies that I was when she was one and two. 

I am back to practicing daily when I am feeling guilty. It is so hard. 

If you struggle with guilt, I encourage you to expose it. Expose the darkness and step into the light of truth. It is not easy but it is worth the work. Let’s do this together, bit by bit.  

During Covid, Finley has been home full time with the exception of going to therapy. She has not been home this much since she was three years old. (She is six) She has regressed in a few ways that were majorly supported by school. Needless to say, I am battling the most intense form of guilt I have faced yet. Facing those same lies that I was when she was one and two. 

I am back to practicing daily when I am feeling guilty. It is so hard. 

If you struggle with guilt, I encourage you to expose it. Expose the darkness and step into the light of truth. It is not easy but it is worth the work. Let’s do this together, bit by bit.