“I feel as though I am fully experiencing Paisley for the first time in 7 years.” I explained to Matt as tears poured down my cheeks. 

“I feel like Cerebral Palsy has robbed us from our older three children.” I broke. The words I had felt for so long found there way to words. A deep groaning recognized and articulated. 

My parents had graciously offered to take Finley for spring break, allowing Matt and I to have an entire week just with our older three kids. No therapies. No daily exercises. No difficult feeding times. No waking up in the middle of the night. No braces, belly binder, hands splints, knee immobilizers, stander, wheel chair, vestibular chair or walker to deal with. Just Matt, myself, Jones, Macrae and Paisley for an entire 7 days. 

We all cried when my parents drove away with Finley. Each of us knowing that this was not how it should be. Each of us feeling robbed of our entire family being able to freely go and do and be together. We were broken and grateful as we stood on the sidewalk watching Finley go. 

That week was so special. We decided to forgo a hotel and stay home so we could eat out everyday. We stayed up late, played games, walked to the lake, hung out downtown, and watched movies. It was simple and it was glorious. 

Around day four I began to have a growing sense of sadness, tasting what life would feel like without disability. The week was especially sweet with Paisley. She seemed to come alive to me in a way I had not experienced before. 

When Paisley was first born, Matt and I were walking through the darkest time in our marriage. We were so excited about her arrival and adored her the moment she was born but so much of our emotional energy was going toward fighting for our marriage. Finley was born when Paisley was two years old and from the day she came home from the hospital life totally changed. 

Finley has severel colic the first three months of her life. Screaming all the time. All. The. Time. Once we got her on a probiotic she turned into a different baby. She went from always crying to only crying when she was hungry or tired in a matter of two week. About two to three weeks after that, I knew something was not right. She was not doing anything a four month old should do. I thought maybe she would play catch up being that she had spent three months screaming. Around six months of age our pediatrician recommended therapy and this began our special needs journey. 

Paisley is such a bright light. She is sassy and strong and sensitive and sweet. Despite all that she has seen and walked through in her eight years she shines. That week of spring break I was able to see her fully. I was both broken and grateful once again. 

Matt held me as I cried. I knew I was safe to just be undone. God had used the dark years of our marriage when everything seems like it would fall apart to build a foundation for moments like this, to just be with one another, not knowing how to fix it, or what to say, or what to do next but to just be undone in the arms of God. 

Whatever you face today, whether beautiful or broken, may you embrace it through the grace of Jesus. May you know that he will see you through until you rest in his embrace. 

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew‬ ‭11:28-30‬ ‭MSG‬‬