“Mama, I want to ask you something but I am scared.” Paisley’s sweet face looked up at me, craving my undivided attention. 

“Ok, let’s go out to the porch and talk.” I guided her out of the house quietly so no one would follow us out. We snuggled up under a blanket as the fall air was crisp and bright. 

“This is hard to saaaaay.” She squirmed beneath fear. “Uuuummmm…ok…”she took a deep breath, “When will Finley’s cerebral palsy go away?” 

My heart sank. Her always twinkling blue eyes peered into mine. I took her hand and pulled her closer. “Darling, Cerebral Palsy does not go away. There is no cure. There are…”

“So Finley will ALWAYS have CP?!” She interrupted with shock and hurt and confusion. 

Cerebral Palsy has been a norm for Paisley for as long as she can remember. Paisley was two years old when Finley was born and toddled through physical, occupational and speech therapies with Finley and I while the boys were at school, never once complaining about doing therapy again and again with me. She has fiercely loved her sister since the day she was born and CP and therapies and mama having to give Finley so much attention has never changed that. 

“Yes, sweet P. Unless God heals Finley, she will always have CP.” 

Big tears spilled down her freckled cheeks. “Well, why doesn’t he just heal her?” 

“I don’t know, darlin. I don’t know.” 

She cried and cried. I cried along with her. Our children have faced and grappled with questions and thoughts and fears that Matt and I are facing as adults. My heart hurts for them and I am confident that God will use this gift to grow a deep compassion for others through this pain. 

“Paisley, I think Finley is going to enjoy heaven the most out of our whole family.” 

She giggled through her tears, “yeah, she will be like, ‘look guys I can run!!!’” 

“That’s right. She will run and dance and jump and twirl…Paisley, we will continue to pray for God to heal Finley. He is able to do it. But, he may choose not too and we will never know why.” 

She was serious again, nodding and taking in my words.

“What we do know is that he is good and faithful and that he is taking such good care of our family.” 

“Thanks, Mama. I feel better.” 

I held her again, knowing that is what I have needed so much during this journey-just to be held, just to be close to the ones I love to be reminded that I am not alone and that God is good and faithful and that He is taking care of us.