Finding Friendship
“Ma-maaaaaa!” Finley exclaimed, trying to get my attention. My eyes were plastered to our 14-year-old son who was up to bat.
“Hold-on, Fin-Fin. Jones is batting! Let’s cheer for him! Say go Jones, go!”
“Yaaay!” Finley threw her hands in the air.
“Crack!” Went the bat as the ball contacted metal!
“GO JONES!!” Our family cheered as Jones rounded second base and brought a teammate home.
“Ma-maaaa!” Finley persisted. Now that Jones was done batting she tried to get my attention again.
“What is it, baby?” I said as I turned toward her, taking in how cute she looked in her pink sunglasses and low beach chair. The wind blew through her thick brunette hair and her blue headband framed her sweet face.
“Ma.” She pointed over to a group of kids basking in the summer sun. You could hear their giggles and sweet conversations as they drew sidewalk chalk sunshines and enormous flowers onto the warm concrete.
“Do you want to play with those kids?” I asked softly and slowly, my heart sinking, knowing the answer would be yes.
“Yeah.” Finley smiled, confirming the truth of the heavy weight that had instantaneously settled in my stomach.
Recently, Finley had displayed a deeper awareness of friendship and, in her limited way, was beginning to express the desire for friends outside of her family. Although this desire is good and is a sign of cognitive development, it is one I have dreaded.
How do you help a child with extremely limited vocabulary and movement make friends?
How do you find a child who is willing to take the time to be Finley’s friend?
Who would see past her wheelchair, talker, braces, and walker to experience the beauty of her smile, belly laugh, hilarious sense of humor, and loving heart?
Would any of her peers come to know her deep love of sports, horses, and her longing to be on a stage holding a microphone?
Where would I find these kids?
I was also aware that part of my fear of Finley desiring friendship was tied up in my own childhood pain. Can you relate? Friendship is challenging and beautiful, fraught with both disappointment and comfort, difficult yet worth fighting for.
This could be a whole chapter in a book, but in short making friends was difficult. I was shy and awkward, uncertain of what to say or do. Between 3rd and 7th grade, I switched schools each year. Recess was spent on my own with my imagination, trying to stay out of the way of others. I was not interested in boys or fashion, so making connections in middle school was hard as fashion and crushes seemed to be the main source of bonding between tween girls. Nothing traumatic happened. I was not bullied or physically hurt. I simply believed that I was not good enough to have or keep as a friend. That lie shaped how I saw myself as a young girl well into my thirties. It can still haunt me to this day, but has less of a hold on my heart as I lean into my worth and value in God, a practice I find challenging and healing.
Nonetheless, this lie seems to be seeping into the grief I feel for Finley’s desire for friendship. God has designed us for friendship, for community. Ultimately, He is the only one who can satisfy the aches and desires of our heart, yet God made us to delight in relationships. We are better because of them. How do we find our deepest fulfillment in God yet also seek friendship? How do I help my sweet daughter find fulfillment in Jesus yet address the pain she will and has experienced from being so different?
I have no idea. What I do know is that the details of Finley’s life, of mine and of yours are in God’s hands. He sees and knows them all. He understands our pain and our brokenness, our dreams and our desires. What I know is that God accepts, loves and welcomes us just as we are.
Kathrine and Jay Wolfe, authors of Hope Heals and Suffer Strong say we all are disabled, if we don’t have a physical wheelchair, we have an invisible wheelchair. We are all broken, we are all in need of a savior, a healer. This is a beautiful reminder that Finley’s desire for friendship is good. My desire for friendship is good. But we are all broken and the only relationship that will never disappoint, that will always fulfill is our relationship with Jesus, the one who understands all of our suffering, pain and loneliness. Isaiah 53:2-3a reminds us that “He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected, a man of suffering, and familiar with pain…” Jesus understands our pain, yours, mine and Finley’s.
I took a deep breath to calm my emotions, tears caught in my throat. I knew this was not the time to jump into a new friendship. I hated that I couldn’t say to her, “yeah-go on over there and ask them to play.” My heart was heavy as I responded.
“Finley, I am so sorry. We can’t play with those kids right now. We don’t know them.”
Overhearing my conversation with Finley, Paisley perked up.
“Hey, Fin, I will do sidewalk chalk with you!”
“Thank you, Paisley. You are a sweet friend to Finley.”
We scooted the low yard chairs up to the side walk so the girls could create their own art. I grabbed the giant bucket of chalk we had toted with us to the game. Paisley started drawing out flowers and suns for Finley to color in. Finley awkwardly leaned forward and attempted to color in the designs. She smiled a thank you at Paisley.
The ache in my heart did not lift despite the gratitude I felt for Paisley. Grief followed me throughout that day and the next few that followed. I whispered prayers to God to grant Finley a friend who would love her and appreciate her. I whispered prayers of gratitude for our family and deep thanks for our kids and cousins who love Finley so well. I was reminded to show love and gratitude toward the friends that God has placed in my life-they are such sweet gifts.
I have to come back to the truth that God loves Finley more than I ever could. He holds her in His hands. He sees all of her days. He knows the pain she will face and has faced. He understands her fully and completely and loves her fully and completely. He is in every single detail of her life.
The same is true for you and I, dear reader. Be blessed today, knowing the you are fully known and fully loved by the One who makes a place for you and me.
