“Hi Mama!” My heart leaps inside of my chest as I recognize a voice I have heard in part, but not in full. Tears of joy fill my eyes, a giant lump is in my throat.  Slowly turning, my eyes behold my youngest daughter. 

Finley has finally met me in Heaven. I left the earth many years prior after spending most of my adult life caring for our sweet girl who was diagnosed with Quadripligic Spastic Cerebral Palsy when she was 8 months old. 

“Finley girl!” Running to her, arms open wide, I sweep her into a big hug. Joy overwhelms our hearts and laughter overtakes both of us. Kissing her cheek, smiling so hard it feels like my face will crack, I drink in the moment. We laugh as we cling to one another, both of us knowing this will be such a special day. I push back and hold her at arms length, taking in the fullness of her beauty. 

Her glasses are gone and her big blue eyes smile into mine. Savoring every single aspect about her, I notice her face is relaxed, not tight with muscle spasticity. Her shoulders, arms and hands fall relaxed at her side. Her body is free of leg braces, knee immobilizers, hand splints and there is no wheelchair in sight. She glances up at the blue sky and takes a moment to drink in the sunshine, something she always did as a child. I draw my whole and healed daughter into my arms again. Breathing in her familiar scent. 

“I have so much to tell you about!” She laughs. “I know you knew there was always so much going on in my head. The words just never corporated!” We are both laughing remembering how she often would look at me with such an intense and determined look on her face. “Ma-ma-ma-ma, ok, bah-ma-ma-ma.” She would say to me with her little pointer finger waving in the air. 

“My darling girl, I have waited for this day my entire life. I could not wait for you to get here. I love you so so much. I want to hear every single word that you have to say.” We laugh together again, giddy on the beauty of this moment. “God has used you in my life,” I continue, “ in ways that words cannot even describe, to teach me of His love, kindness, faithfulness, goodness, provision, and friendship. Finley, you are a treasure. You made us all so much more reliant on God.”

We both know that none of us would have made it through our special needs, church leadership, city living life had not God used Cerebral Palsy to shove us into His mighty hand. 

“Would you like to go for a walk?” I ask. Marveling at being able to say those words. 

“Yes, please!” She gives her familiar answer. 

Before Heaven, Finley would say “yeah, mmmm!” her way of saying yes, please. It was always a sweet sound to my ears, the closest thing to a sentence I heard from my sweet girl on earth. 

We walk slowly along the lake path, our favorite spot. We reminisce over memories during our time together in Chicago as a family. Finley gives me her version of all of our memories. Some of them are sad, and some of them are surprisingly happy.  

“Have you seen your daddy?” I wonder aloud. 

“Not yet. I want to find him.” Finley responds with anticipation. 

“I will take you to him.” My heart flip-flops with excitement. 

Walking arm-in-arm towards one of Matt’s favorite heavenly spots, we talk the whole way there, making up for lost time.  The bluest of blue skies drapes like a breathtaking painting above us. Birds swirl and twirl in the air, singing their songs of delight. Everything around us exudes the praise and glory of God, like the song that is singing in my heart walking with Finley. 

We round a corner that leads to the quiet spot I am hoping he will be. Making out his familiar shape from a distance, my heart starts to race with excitement.  As we get closer, he looks up and his eyes meet mine. A familiar affection warms my heart towards this man that I shared a deep, meaningful, loving and challenging marriage with on earth. We went through so much together. God was with us every step of the way. He never left us and by His grace we made it, bit by bit. 

Matt smiles at me and my heart is full. His eyes drift to the person I am with. Recognition, shock and delight sweep over his face. 

“FINLEY!” He leaps out of his chair, booking it as fast as he can towards us. Fin lets out a giggle and runs towards her daddy. Drinking it all in, etching this moment into my memory forever.  “Thank you, Jesus.” I whisper. 

Feeling the sweetness of the air deepen around me, I know He has arrived.  

“You are here!” I exclaim, wrapping my arms around his waist.

“I would not miss this for anything.” He smiles and envelopes me in his arms.

Jesus and I stand and watch Finely run down the hill, grass blowing gently in the breeze all around her. It is like the best movie ever made. Matt is running and laughing towards his girl, arms open wide. Finley is laughing in delight. He catches her up in his arms and swings her around, her hair swinging behind her. 

The happiest of tears pour down my face. Jesus gently looks at me and says, “ This is a good day.” We walk hand in hand towards Matt and Finley. They are laughing and crying and talking all at the same time. 

As Jesus and I draw close, Finley notices Jesus. She becomes quiet and reverent. 

“We meet again, dear one.” Jesus says to Finley, taking her hand in his. 

“It is so so good to see you again.” Finley responds. Jesus draws her into a hug.

“I am so so proud of you.” He whispers to her. “You have done well, courageous warrior.” 

Standing there with Jesus, Matt and Finley, I drink in a deep, sweet breath. The countless therapy sessions and doctors appointments, surgeries, and broken sleep, it had all been so hard. Our hearts had grieved Finley’s struggle. Yet, in this moment, I was reminded of how God had met us and Finley in the midst of it all. There had been a deep purpose in the pain.

Purpose was so hard to see in the early years of Finley’s life. The road had been treacherous, complete with several burnouts, panic attacks, deep depression, suicidal thoughts and high anxiety. Yet it also brought gifts of deeper community and compassion. The pain had pushed us into the arms of God, into deeper communion with Him.

I am overwhelmed by the love and grace of Jesus. He was and is so good. I slip my hand into his, as Finley does the same. Our eyes meet and silently understand we are both feeling the same gratitude and adoration for the One who carried us through. We all go quiet and gaze upon Jesus, who made it all worth it. 

“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” Matt says, looking at Jesus and voicing the words all of us are feeling with every fiber of our beings. 

“FINLEY!!! FINLEY!!! FINLEY!!!” The four of us turn to see a small crowd running towards us. Word was spreading that Finley had arrived. Her grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and other close friends  are all running behind Jones, Macrae, Paisley and Duke (our first born who had arrived in heaven fourteen weeks after gestation.)

We are all giggling with joy, Jesus loudest of all.  Finley takes off running towards her welcome crowd. Matt, myself and Jesus toward the community that had rallied and walked beside us every step of our special needs journey. 

As we approach our family, tears of joy are flowing, hugs, kisses and laughter are abundant. Finley is taking time to look each person in the eyes to say thank you and express her love. 

Gratitude and praise swell in all of our hearts. One by one we turn towards Jesus with wet cheeks and glad hearts. 

“You are faithful, you never fail…” Finley starts to sing. 

“Your mercies are new every morning. Your strength and your grace prevail.” The rest of us join in the song as worship envelopes our hearts. 

“You are not shaken by what shakes me. 

You are not surprised. Everything is in your hands. 

You are in control. You are on your throne…

You are my rock, my shelter.

You are my shield and strength.

You are the one who steadies me.

You are my God my King.” 

Best day ever. 

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