Giant Slayer

“Do you realize that what your family is facing would be considered a trauma?” 

“Trauma?” Blinking rapidly my mind attempted to understand the words my counselor was saying. “I think I would say that it is the most difficult think we have ever faced but I would not call it a trauma.” 

“We typically think that a trauma is some horrific event in our lives or some form of abuse. But actually the brain is unable to decipher between situations in our lives. Trauma is any deeply distressing experience and on a physical level it is a brain injury. The brain has to re-learn how to function.” She explained.

“So just like Finley has a brain injury, I do as well?” 

“Yes. One of the main reasons you have gone into burnout is because you and your family are facing a trauma. Just on a physical level you need to recover. If you had a broken leg you would not hesitate to go to the doctor, and do what you needed to do to recover. We don’t tend to view the brain as something that can be broken, but that is exactly what can happen. I want to give you permission to slow down.” 

I took a deep breath of permission. I felt so responsible for Finley’s ability. I had believed that if I failed Finley then she would fail. Finleys’s physical ability was directly tied to my performance. I had shared these words with Matt and few others. All the responses were the same-compassion and grace.  I was realizing the standard I held myself to no one else did. My husband did not, God did not and to be honest, I would never even expect that of someone else in the same situation as I found myself in. But even though I “knew” it was an unreasonable standard I faced those accusing thoughts and feelings every moment of every day for years. I was exhausted, depleted and burned out by working countless hours of attempting to help our sweet little girl to sit, crawl, walk, eat, drink, sleep, talk. No person can make this happen, only God can. It began to sink in that I am responsible to Finley but God is responsible for Finley.

My consoler continued, “Cerebral palsy is a giant and you have viewed yourself as the giant slayer. Heather…when you read the story of David and Goliath it is easy to assume that David is the giant slayer…David wasn’t and neither are you. God is the giant slayer.”

Her kind, wise, insightful words unlocked something in my heart and mind. “I am not the giant slayer. I am not the giant slayer. God is.” Tears ran down my face. My heart was broken and free in that moment. 

“That’s right.” She affirmed.