The day had been rough thus far. I barely managed to get the big 3 kids to school with clothes on their backs. Finley had barely slept that night, which meant I had barely slept. Thank sweet Jesus for coffee. 

Getting Finley out of bed, dressing her, brushing her teeth,…

“How do you have four kids, one with severe special needs and not live close to family? My parents live 3 doors down and I don’t know how I would do special needs parenting with out them.”

My defenses were up. Another person was asking the question I had been…

“Do you realize that what your family is facing would be considered a trauma?” 

“Trauma?” Blinking rapidly my mind attempted to understand the words my counselor was saying. “I think I would say that it is the most difficult think we have ever faced but I would not call it…

“You are stronger than you know. God is with you and he has the strength you need each and every day.” A wrinkled hand gently held mine as wise eyes peered into my heart knowing exactly what I needed to hear. This sweet, old lady had no idea what…

“Heather, I want you to know you can grieve the child you thought you would have without betraying the child you do have.” 

A sob caught in my throat as I listened to the gracious words of a dear friend. They were words of permission. Permission to feel the deep pain of unmet expectations….

Blinking. Blinking. All I see is the blue 70s tile lining the bathroom walls in our apartment. I am laying on the floor. “Breathe.” I instruct myself. “Just breathe.”

It had happened again. Panic attacks were becoming like an unwanted house guest that have you questioning and scrutinizing every aspect…

“Your baby has an echogenic bowel.”

She said matter-of-factly, barely looking away from the ultrasound monitor.

“What does that mean?” I asked, my insides beginning to tremble.

“Echogenic bowel is a marker. It could mean anything from the baby having Downs Syndrome to CF to nothing at all…or it could be still-born.”…